Worst Moment of My Life

May 6, 2010 at 6:34 pm 8 comments

Last evening Lil C turned blue and stopped breathing for about 2 seconds.  It was the worst moment of my life.  And it was my fault.

For the second time this season, the four of us piled into the car after an early dinner for a trip to Lil D’s “Blastball” game.  Derek is the coach and we decided that Lil C and I would come along to each game so Lil C could hang out and play on the sidelines.  You see, Lil C wishes he could play.  At any chance he gets he runs over and joins in, and for some activities, I let him.

Last night, I turned my back for a few seconds too many and lil C ran over to the tee and got hit in the face with a full swing by a foam bat.  I am so grateful it was a foam bat.

He fell back on the ground crying.  I ran over and pick him up. 

I looked at Derek and saw disdain and blame in his eyes.

I looked at Lil C and tried to soothe him.  He was so hysterical that he was doing that silent crying thing where they are so distraught that the sound won’t come out.  And then his face turned blue, his eyes rolled back and he went limp in my arms.  It was the worst moment of my life, and it was my fault.

By the time I had yelled “Call 911”, his colour had returned to a very pale white and he was focusing on me.  I was surrounded by helpful parents, one mom/physician from another team did a precursory check and told me he was fine.  

At that point, I lost it.  It was my fault.  

The split second of blame I had seen in Derek’s eyes was gone and he was kind and supportive.  But I still can’t get that split second out of my head. 

There are tears on my keyboard.

The ambulance came, after a long long 10 minute wait.  That is the subject of  separate post.  They were LOST.

Lil C was in good condition, and they offered to take him to the hospital.  I considered taking him to a closer hospital myself, but decided to have the ambulance take him to CHEO.  I knew that would mean a long long night.  I was not wrong.  Again, the subject of another post. 

I did not see this firsthand, but Derek told me Lil D was terribly distraught.  He continued playing his game.  Kind parents stepped in to coach, but after watching his brother drive off in an ambulance, he cried for about 30 minutes (until he got to the DQ and picked out a treat for Lil C to have for breakfast this morning; it’s still in the freezer).

My parents came over and put Lil D to bed and Derek joined us in the waiting room.  Three hours later he went home to relieve my parents.

After a 12:30 am tearful meltdown at the nurse’s station criticizing the triage system, I was finally seen by the MD at 1:30 am.  Lil D has a slight bruise from the bat.  He had “a breath-holding episode”.  This is apparently triggered by pain or fear and is not harmful or life-threatening.  It may even be accompanied by a short seizure due to lack of oxygen to the brain. 

As the physician said, it’s good news and bad news, because he will likely do it again.  Though I am told, no repeat trip to the hospital required for future episodes.  Just lots of booze.  For me.  And drugs.

I will never forget it was my fault, though rationally I know it can happen to anyone.

I was so glad things turned out as they did.  I can’t imagine…


Entry filed under: General Ramblings On, Parenting. Tags: .

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. coffeewithjulie  |  May 6, 2010 at 6:44 pm

    Oh, what a terrible frightening time you’ve had. I’m so sorry. But so relieved that Lil C is all right and especially that the bat was foam.

    Your post is so honest. It is exactly what we’ve all felt. Because I’d say 99% of us have been in a similar situation with our children and something we wished hadn’t happen, did.

    But I don’t consider it anyone’s “fault” — you weren’t being a negligent parent, I think that is “parent guilt” kicking in. Please be kind to yourself. You are a good mom and a human. The two are not distinct; they are one.

  • 2. Kristen @ Motherese  |  May 6, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    I am so happy that everything turned out okay. I can’t imagine how scared you must have been.

    I join Julie in saying that you shouldn’t beat yourself up about what happened. I think of the 100 things my kids do every day that could result in injury, but don’t – and how it’s really a matter of luck so much of the time. Your reaction here says everything about you as a parent and there is nothing negligent about you!

    I hope a family trip to DQ is on the agenda. You deserve it after your night!

  • 3. Tracey  |  May 6, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    Oh my goodness…..that sounds incredibly scary and I know that fear. It’s not something you forget. I’m so sorry that happened, and I’m so glad that your little one is okay. What a long, exhausting night that must have been for all of you.

    I also agree with the others in that-your guilt says more about you as a mother and person than anything else you’ve written. It says you care and you worry and you’re human. But let me also share this-as a parent-I’m sure I’ve looked at my husband in a less than stellar moment and felt some sort of disdain for how he watched/or didn’t the girls, esp if they’ve gotten injured. Then I remember this little pearl of wisdom-accidents happen. We’re all trying our best. The day is going to come where “I” mess up big with them too. Heck, many days have come. And I’d hate for my spouse to blame me or feel it was my fault-because I know I’d never “allow” something to happen to them, and I’d never be neglectful-so if something did-that’s just life. I know he never would either, so I have to give him the same credit and respect. I bet even if your husband had a flash of WTF? he realized that eventuality as well and knew that in the same situation-he’d want compassion and support.

    Here’s hoping for less stress filled days ahead!!

  • 4. Lynn  |  May 6, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Man, I can only imagine how long those two seconds must have felt. So scary – my heart raced just reading about it. I know it’s probably impossible, but try not to blame yourself. It’s the kind of accident that could happen at any time, to anyone.

  • 5. fitforakid  |  May 7, 2010 at 12:04 am

    Thank you for your comments. Writing the post was somewhat therapeutic.

    I just wanted to add that I too have those moments of blame when something goes wrong with the children on my husband’s watch… so it’s not that I am angry about it. As Tracey commented, he did come around and fully understands that accidents happen. It’s just those gut feelings that I had that he reinforced in those seconds.

    Rationally, I’m not beating myself up about it. I just am having moments…

  • 6. Finola  |  May 7, 2010 at 1:15 am

    So glad Lil C is OK! We have all been there and I think as Moms we all blame ourselves.I completely know how you feel, but it will fade in time.
    But it does take some time.
    I know you know that it was totally not your fault, but can I just reiterate that it was totally not your fault?

  • 7. Jo  |  May 7, 2010 at 6:40 am

    Oh sweetie, please don’t blame yourself, these things do happen to all of us parents!

    When my son was almost 3, we were going upstairs and I ran up behind him, picked him up and ran up with him. However, I lost my footing and we both slipped forward and my little boy hit his face on the ridge of the stair. I was hysterical, frantic, terrified – I too blamed myself for a long time but everyone kept telling me it was an accident. Eventually I accepted it but my stomach still flips in turmoil when I think about what happened, even now, 10 years later.

    I’m really glad Lil C is ok, I really hope you can forgive yourself soon


  • 8. FitnessGuy  |  December 6, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    Your fear is understandable. I’ve gone through something similar.


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